Thursday, 1 October 2015

Comrade Corbyn or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

As the mushroom clouds of existential annihilation bloomed over the horizons of Great Britain, Len McCluskey was jubilant. Staring at the wall of the official Labour Party fallout shelter, a wry smile spread across his face. "Unite won the internal party debate", he nodded to himself. Dan Hodges, at the other side of the room, concurred, scribbling his newest opinion piece onto an scraggy piece of piece of paper with his last remaining pencil: "What does the nuclear holocaust mean for Jeremy Corbyn?", satisfied that it would be published in the Telegraph once most of the radiation had cleared. 

Dan was certain that Labour was now a "credible, pragmatic and progressive force" following the deposition of the former anti-Trident leader, who was replaced by none other than nuclear weapon enthusiast Luke Akehurst. Akehurst had won the by-election forced by Liz Kendall, who voluntarily stood down so he could take her place and mount a leadership challenge against Corbyn. Akehurst was coronated when the majority of Labour MPs decided to reform the party's election rules to make themselves the sole deciders of the party leadership. A grassroots that obstructed the pressing of the nuclear button, and thus "British Values", was too much to bear, and the trade unions, in a rare alliance with the Blairites and Labour's establishment, agreed that a hesitancy to retain the technology used to mount a nuclear holocaust compromised its members' job security. Labour won the 2020 election when they pledged to consider using the "nuclear deterrent option" against refugees in Europe, winning back Tory and UKIP supporters in the process.

The hippie tendencies of Corbyn's Labour contrasted to the "strong", "moral" and - most importantly - middle England focus group friendly approach of Prime Minister Akehurst, who triumphantly instructed the Royal Navy to fire Trident's nuclear missiles at Moscow when Vladimir Putin threatened to take "disciplinary diplomatic action" against Great Britain while shirtless and riding a horse. The PM could simply not tolerate the level of Putin's machismo, so Attack Warning Red it was.

As the Russian IBMs rained down on the UK, obliterating tens of millions of lives in minutes and resulting in the nuclear Third World War that would ensure the extinction of humanity and make Earth inhospitable for all life, Labour's election strategists wept with despair in the far corner of the fallout shelter. "All the communication networks are down!", one wailed. "How can we see what the opinion pollsters say about this?"

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